The White Man's Burden.

Here in Kentucky the weather is finally starting to turn warm for stretches longer than 8.6 seconds and with it comes my annual lamenting of the fact that society has failed men. Sunshine, warm temperatures and birds singing are nice but this move away from winter always disrupts my life. The kids love playing in the park and my wife enjoys opening all of the windows. You see people on the street smiling but in the back of my mind I am stressing over what the hell I am going to do with all of my crap.

I am something of a packrat and winter plays very well with this quirk. My winter coat (which incidentally by calling it a “winter coat” would bring howls of laughter from our northern friends) is blessed with 6 very large and deep pockets. These pockets are filled with various bits and allows me to become a walking Home Depot.

So what am I to do? Seinfeld, if it has taught us nothing, has taught us that no matter how hard you believe, a European Carry-All will never be anything but a purse. I am comfortable enough in my manhood to wear pink shirts to work, but I draw the line at walking around with a purse. Over the years I have thought of a few alternatives but each has their own drawbacks.

1. The Fishing Vest. At first glance this appears to be the perfect substitute for my winter coat. Even more pockets, light weight and comfortable. For weekends this would be a perfect solution. The problem arises during the work week. I wear a dress shirt and tie everyday to work and in my mind’s eye the fishing vest just doesn’t go with dress clothes. In fact it strikes me as something the Unabomber would wear. Nothing screams unhinged like dress clothes and a ratty fishing vest loaded with shit.
   
   

2. A briefcase. During the workweek a briefcase would be an adequate solution even though I would hate carrying the thing. However, all of my non-work clothes were purchased circa 1994 and have a distinctly out of date grunge look. I think I would rather walk around with a purse than look like a wanker wearing worn out jeans, t-shirt, flannel shirt and briefcase. This is the kind of person that would be beaten in the street by Pixie fans.


3. A Backpack. A backpack has all of the advantages of a briefcase plus the benefit of not having to carry it. I hate the idea of lugging the thing around but it would work. The biggest disadvantage of the backpack is my vanity. I am 31 years old and having a backpack slung over your shoulder strikes me as something for much younger people. Not sure why, but to me using a backpack for everyday use just seems like something you should leave behind in your twenties.


4. A Sherpa. Hiring a Sherpa to lug all of my crap would work, but my car is pretty small as it is and I don’t really have room for another person. That and a white guy hiring an ethnic minority as a personal servant to follow them around everywhere doesn’t seem like such a good idea.


5. A Pack Mule. Again, this would work but I think my office would not appreciate a mule defecating on the floor in my office.

Society has failed men by not providing us with a social appropriate storage device. A Bag of Holding (or for you non-D&Ders, a bag with an Undetectable Extension Charm like Hermione’s) would work but despite my silent prayers each night, magic doesn’t seem to actually exist.