An Anthropolgical Study of Parents.

Tonight Pres. Obama will deliver his not-quite State of the Union address but it seems that few people are paying much attention to this speech. My best guess is that the Union is in a state of shock and nobody wants to hear how crappy things have gotten. So I am going to jump on the bandwagon and ignore it as well.

I have been meaning to write this post for some time (I had an earlier draft written about six months ago) but never got around to finishing. What is the topic that I want to discuss? The changes that having a small child brings about in otherwise normal adults.

Let us examine some of the behavior that I have observed in Anna and I.

1. You clap and celebrate such amazingly spectacular events like a character in a television show singing a song. Or putting on pants. Or pooping in a toilet. These events produce an applause usually reserved for rock stars, but Goofy can receive a standing ovation for saying “Garsh!” So can Mommy.

2. Once 1000 thread count Egyptian cotton sheets, drinking mimosas, four star hotels and the like were considered the height of luxury but now being able to finish a meal is a luxury seemingly only reserved for royalty.

3. Our bathtub has become a repository for toys and a canvas for graffiti.

4. Due to the evil manipulations of Elmo and his kin, we now normally refer to ourselves in the third person. Daddy is going to work. Mommy loves Sophie. Not entirely sure what psychological ramifications exist because of this behavior; but, they can’t be good.

5. When trying to teach your small child things like doing somersaults, you do things with your body that should have been forgotten years ago. Seriously, they are a bad idea.

6. Going to bed at 9:00 seems like a really good idea.

7. The idea of finding ourselves without any orange juice in the house gives me cold chills.

8. Going to the grocery store requires outfitting yourself like a Sherpa scaling Everest, complete with bags, provisions and spare supplies.

9. Duct Tape once was the tool that could solve almost any problem but it has been replaced by the band-aid. Scrapped your knee. Here is a band-aid. Bumped your head. Here is a band-aid. Your tummy is sore. Here is a band-aid. The Wildcats lost three games in a row. Here is a band-aid.

I would love to hear any other anthropological changes that you have observed in either yourself or others because of the addition of small children.

EDIT: OK, some people are thinking about the speech. Read this excellent piece by George Lakoff via Fivethirtyeight. Really, go read it. It is good.