Brisket

 

It is the most pure Platonic Form of them all.  

Used Cars Fanfiction

 

The Capital

Rudy learns that the freeway interchange is being delayed because “historically important” artifacts MIGHT have been identified on the site, so an anthropological survey has to be completed before construction can commence.  

“Senator Russo, I’m so sorry for disturbing you, but the Consolidated Refuse Depositors lobbyist, the rep from Amalgamated Ice Producers, and Mrs. Warren are still waiting.”

“Did Mrs. Warren bring a pile of books again?”

“No sir, she brought a chalkboard.”

Rudy has his secretary delay the people waiting <music plays> and then he slips out the window, down the gutter of the capital, through the bushes, and into his car. He is speeding out of the parking lot.  

New Deal Used Cars

The sales team reacts to the information that the interchange is being delayed. Rudy had spent the last of the mortgage money on the giant pole hoisting an American Flag the size of a basketball court. Jim has gotten the “mile of cars” operational but nobody is on the lot, mainly because of the construction.  Jeff comments that their insurance policy on the “shit pile of cars” isn’t going to do any good if construction isn’t throwing debris across the road to crack windshields.  

“Jeff, get Freddie and Eddie on the phone.”

Roy L. Fuch’s Lot

The sales team is standing around a hole, dressed in dark clothing, along with a new person whose casually resting on a wooden crate and black case at his feet.  The area around them is bare earth and the remains of the former car dealership. The hole in which they are all focused is about 2 feet deep. Inside is a sandstone slab. You can’t see the edges because they are hidden by the bare earth exposed by the construction workers.  Upon the stone’s surface are etchings and drawings, all written and drawn in arcs that spiral towards the center of the hole. 

“Jesus.”

“Looks like a bunch of scratches.”

“Is that scratch doing what I think to that other scratch?”

“Jesus Christ.”

“I don’t think they knew who Jesus was.”

The sales team sets charges and retreats to a safe distance.  KA-BOOM.  Falling debris and windshields cracking.  

New Deal Used Cars

The next morning the New Deal lot is empty but across the road, nerds are scouring the entirety of the area.  Multiple vans with Arizona State University logos are parked in a neat row.  Completely incompetent young people are attempting to install a fence.  The sales team bicker amongst themselves because the explosion didn’t seem to have the desired result.

-BZzzZZxTtTT-  -BZzzZZxTtTT-  

Rudy grabs for his hip and looks at his beeper.  Makes a quick call and says he has to go across the road. 

Roy L. Fuch’s Lot

Rudy crosses the highway and an awkward early-80s college student attempts to stand in his way. Without ever breaking his stride, Rudy focuses his seduction force upon this poor student, who falls to the side. He approaches the crude base of operation, and Rudy strolls right into it.  He is quickly shut down and put into his place.  But, when the anthropologist realizes he is a State Senator, their demeanor changes and shows him why the location is important.  

In addition to the numerous pre-Clovis artifacts unearthed, is the pit descending into the earth whose bottom you can’t see because the mist is swirling in the way.  

“This shouldn’t be here. It is a Mesopotamian god of destruction.”

“This looks like the ground floor for investing in destruction to me.”

New Deal Used Cars

The sales team is giving Rudy shit for not shutting down the archeological dig.  He barely convinces them that the lot across the road needs to be left alone. 

-Wrrrchrrrchhhwrccch- flip -Wrrrchrrrchhhwrccch- flip

Rudy grabs the fax and reads it in silence. 

“The Arizona Legislative Sub-Committee on the Appreciation of Historical and Indigenous Importance is voting Monday morning to protect that lot from damage. This second page is Roy L. Fuch’s contract to construct the freeway interchange. He is allowed to start construction on Sunday, August 23rd.”

“What day is it?”

Construction Parking Lot

Roy L. Fuchs is moving between employees standing next to their construction equipment.  He seems almost like a general before troops make an advance into enemy territory.  

“Bob! We have to make it to the lot. A bunch of pussies aren’t going to stop you again are they?”

“Boss, we have 6 hours and it's 45 minutes away. We have bulldozers, excavators, and dump trucks.  The bulldozer has a .45, the excavators have shotguns and the dump trucks have bazookas.”

“Roy, you are on probation!”

New Deal Used Cars

Jeff takes off as scout in his dune buggy that remarkably doesn’t have a bit of red on the entire vehicle. Jim is throwing toolboxes and chains into the back of the pickup.  Rudy is fitting a brass knuckle when Barbara asks,

“Rudy, what is going on?”

ACTION SCENE

The sales team corrals the bad guys into a valley of strip malls because Rudy stops traffic and Jim quickly disables the vehicles in the intersection.  Roy L Fuchs stayed at the back of the line and when the New Deal traffic jam happened, he was just able to veer around in his bulldozer and head straight towards the construction site. His bulldozer is pulling a trailer full of wooden crates with *Dynamite* on the side.  

Fight with Rudy and Roy, the steering mechanism of the bulldozer is broken and the accelerator is jammed into full throttle.  All seems lost.  The bulldozer is on a direct path to the archeological site.  

Except, there is one thing standing between Roy L Fuchs machine of destruction and the temple of unknown mythology.  The American Flag.  There is a squeal of metal as the bulldozer hits the pole, and while it bends, it holds and the bulldozer gives a cough of smoke and stops.  

EPILOGUE 

Camels are walking around. Cheap plywood pyramids scatter the parking lot.

“This is as close as you can get to the mysterious ancient site!  Take a test drive in one of our previously owned automobiles to get a ticket to climb a pyramid to see what the nerds are excavating!”